the defining moment
i thought i was a total bad ass.
not only did i fool my parents but i got drunk and got to hang out with people older than me.
my brother at this point had already moved out of the house to live with some really strange people. they all wore black and liked to smoke pot. then it turned out that he liked to steal things. and even steal things from my parents.
i remember coming home from school one day and my mother was at the kitchen table crying. she explained in between sobs that he had come over to visit and stole their atm card out of her purse and went to the bank. i did my best to comfort her. my feelings toward my older brother started to turn hostile. how could he do this to our parents? how could he come over and steal from the house where they raised him? i couldn’t even begin to understand.
i continued on with high school. acting and performing every chance i got. i joined the competitve drama team at school. our team would go around schools in arkansas to compete in various dramatic events. i won lots of trophies. i was so proud of those. i thought it told me that i was actually good at acting.
that i was good at something.
i wasn’t “out” at high school. i was called “fag” here and there but it never really bothered me. i totally removed myself from the “friends” i had there and considered my theatre friends, my true friends. when i was around them i just felt free to be myself. say what i want to say. be goofy
be michael.
and of course - drink.
at some point in high school, my mom and i went to new york city to visit my uncle who had moved there recently. i was totally excited.
i mean, come on- a gay theatre boy. new york city = heaven
i remember the first time i walked down a new york city sidewalk. something about it felt so right. like i had been walking those streets my entire life. i also noticed the looks i was getting - from other guys -
was i being cruised? ok, so maybe i didn’t really understand what it meant to cruise or be cruised then - but i still knew that i was getting attention.. and i liked it.
we went to see the musical RENT. i know this might sound totally cheesy but it was during this show that i decided that i needed to tell my parents that i was gay.
at the same time the show kind of scared the shit out of me. i saw these kids who were living in new york city. addicted to drugs, broke and living with AIDS.
is that what happens when you move to new york?
i fell in love with new york city during that trip.
i remember the plane ride home like it was yesterday.
“mom, i think i’m going to live there one day..”
“oh really, michael. we will see.”
“no, mom. seriously, i am.”
she nodded her head and said that’s great.
just like the time i told her that i wanted to be on stage.