my first...
NOW: it’s 12:26 and my grandfather just had a heart attack- they don’t expect him to make through the night. i need to write.
THE PAST: so i told my mother that i wanted to live in new york. at that point i had made my mind up. i was 16.
i finally had my first sexual experience with a guy. i was 16. it was with a boy named- chris. we were doing a play at the “hip” theatre in little rock. i knew of him before then because he used to plays at the children’s theatre.
anyway, we were doing this musical. this musical had a lot of kids my own age in it. one night we were backstage waiting to go on - when chris grabbed me and kissed me.
it felt like an explosion. my entire body felt warm. i had never experienced anything like it in my life. then it was over.
the lights came up and…..ACTION.
a week or so later.. chris was over at my house spending the night. we had just finished a show.
we were on my bed. i was complaing about how my back hurt. chris offered to give me a massage. the next thing i knew… he was kissing my neck.
another explosion. BAM! this one was bigger than the first. i loved the feeling. chris then turned my head around and kissed me on the lips again. our tongues became one.
i freaked out.
my parents were downstairs asleep. and a boy was kissing me.
i decided at that point i needed to take a shower. i left chris in my room.
i went into the bathroom and took off my clothes and slipped in the shower. the water felt so good hitting my skin.
what the fuck was going on? my mind was flooded with thoughts. i showered and went into my bedroom. chris was there- on my bed. naked.
i slipped my towel off. and turned off the lights.
chris and i contined our “relationship”. i remember when princess diana died. i was at his house and we had just finished fucking around. we took a break to watch the funeral on tv. i remember sitting on his parent’s leather couch- watching history unfold before my eyes- when actually- that was the last fucking thing on my mind.
i was now a junior. almost there. i was almost at the point where i could break free from everything that i felt was holding me back. i was 16. chris decided to continue his high school at performing arts school in the northeast. i remember the night he told me he was moving.
it was a hot humid arkansas night. we had just finished fucking around in his room. chris needed to smoke- so we took a walk. i had my hands in my pocket as we walked around his neighborhood.
the humidty was so thick- you could it cut with a knife.
“i’m moving”
“you’re what?”
“i’m leaving in august.”
i wanted to jump on him and kiss him. i wanted him to hold me tight like he did when we were in bed. i was 16.
“i’m going to finish high school somewhere else, i think it’s the best thing for me right now”
i didn’t know how to tell him that i had this feelings for him. but did i really know that fuck feelings were? i was 16.
i wanted to cry. i wanted to run. i wanted to pretend this was never happening. i had already told my parents that was i gay. why couldn’t what was happening with chris continue? i didn’t understand.
he left. this was my first experience of my heart breaking.
i was 16.